So it's been awhile...

Always start these things, and then nobody reads them anyway.. especially since only one person has the link to it to begin with. I'm having issues with my life right now. It feels like so much is building up to a crucial point in my life.

The last 6 months have been extremely hard on me. There are things I have dealt with in my own way and then there are others I haven't even acknowledged, and there are things I'm working on and things I need to work harder at.

Starting with 6 months ago. I moved out of Jess' place, which was the best for my health. But it was also a hard thing to do. I couldn't take it there any more. Things were getting to be so difficult living there. Most of the decisions I made then were based on a false love that I thought was true. But we'll get to that. Leaving Jess' meant that I was leaving so much behind. So much unfinished. I just up and went and moved out and threw away so much of my life. I left my home store and moved to a new store. More importantly I left my best friend. I've fought this part of me so much for the last 6 months. I didn't want to accept what i was feeling inside of me but it's true. Jess was always my best friend. From the moment we realized we were "twinsies" to all the problems we've shared with each other, she was always there for me. She knew what to say to make me feel better about who I was and what was going on in my life. If she didn't know what to say she would make it sound like she did. She knew how to be there for me. She never judged me for the things I said or did. All the times I confided in her and I just left. No goodbye or go to hell or anything. I just left. I was an asshole, as I've realized over the years I'm really good at. I miss the hell out of Jess so much, but I don't let anyone know it. I didn't think we'd ever end up where we are now. I haven't talked to her in 6 months. And I feel almost lost without her in my life. I miss having that someone I could go to with all my problems. I miss the closeness I shared with her.

Bryan and I broke up about a month ago now. But in reality, we haven't been together in over a year. We've been living together and did things together but we weren't essentially together for the rest of our relationship. I can't help but think it's my fault that we broke up, but I know that it's mainly his fault, but I don't want to accept that either. He fell out of love with me and wanted to be single over a year ago. Actually, probably closer to 2 years ago. About 6 months into our relationship. How does one let a relationship last another year and a half before actually taking steps towards breaking up? Better yet, why didn't I realize it then? Two years of my life feel like I worked so hard to keep an already dead relationship together. All the stress and care I put into that man and for what? Sure, we're still friends and such, but that's nothing compared to what I thought I had. I was in love. I still am in love. But right now all I want is my heart back! I want it all back. Don't get me wrong. I know that we won't ever get back together and that is my choice. And I know that he doesn't want to get back together either. He doesn't even want a relationship. I need to figure out what I'm doing with myself.

This brings me to another issue. I graduated in December finally! Now I'm living with my ex, working at Giant Eagle and looks like I'm going nowhere fast. I need to get out of this apartment and on with my life, but I'm afraid that I won't be able to make it on my own. With loans coming soon, I'm not sure what I'm gonna be able to do. And to top it off, I know that I don't have the skill or drive to do web design the rest of my life. Sure, I'd do it on the side and would be perfectly fine with that. But as nice as working for myself sounds, I don't have the dedication or motivation to do it. I can't even look for a job because every time I start to look I get scared and worried that I'm not good enough for anything. Plus I don't have the experience that most companies are looking for. I need at least 2 years before I can get one of those "good" jobs and I have almost none. Sure I have some published sites, but apparently not enough to get me anywhere exactly. I want to do something else... I seriously started to look at schools again yesterday thinking about going back!! >< I don't want to go back to school, but at the same time I sort of do. I want to get a degree in communications or something along those lines so I could do so much more. But of course at the same time I don't want to go back to school. I want to be done. I'm stuck now with (as I see it) a dead degree. Funny that it's the one degree that could take me into the future, but still I don't hold the right mind set to let it.

So I lost my best friend, I lost my "soul mate", I hate what I am and went to school for. What else could go wrong right? Well for starters, one of the women that helped raised me is laying in some nursing home wasting away to nothing. My grandmother who has always been one of my favorite people in this world is gripping onto her life with a slipping grip. She always was like a second mother and not just because she is my grandmother, but because I grew up with her there for the first 6 years of my life. She watched over me, fed me, and did everything for me. She spoiled me as a kid and loved me. Now when I see her I hold back tears because she isn't the woman I knew. She would be so disappointed to see herself now. It makes me sad to think about it.

Things have started to look up as I've tried to change my life around, but of course its never that easy. I met a guy. It didn't take long to find someone I like so much. The only problem is, he's moving. As it it wasn't bad enough he lived a few hours east of here in Lancaster, now he's moving to Dallas, Texas. I don't know if it's because he's the first guy that actually has shown true interest in me in the last however many months, or because i just found someone to talk to and enjoy. I visited him on my days off this week, monday and tuesday and had a really great time. Now I sit in Pgh and he near Lancaster. He packs his clothes and belongings to move to Dallas and who knows if I'll ever see him again. I miss him. Why do I miss him? I barely know him and yet it feels like we've known each other for a long time and that we should be together right now. Is it too soon to jump into another relationship? Should I just keep us friends for now and see where things might go but do it slowly. I don't even know. I don't know where I am anymore. Where do I go from here?

What if I vanished?

I'm tired of living my life for everyone else. I think there is a time soon that I'm going to break out of my life and start a new one. Tired of always doing things because people think they are the right thing to do or because that's how they would do it. I'm tired of being told to be careful with school and that I have to do well and that I only have a year left. I'm tired of it. So tired of school. So tired of pretty much everyone. Just want to quit everything and vanish. Would you really miss me? Would anyone? If I just disappeared to never be found again? Don't be too quick to answer. It doesn't matter anyway. No one cares. Why should they. Why should it matter that I'm living a life of lies of false statements and false hope. Who cares that I go to school just because its the right thing to do to supposedly get a good job. Yeah. "Good" I could get a "Good" job without school. Listening to half the people in my last class, no one thinks they are going to get a job when they get out. I need to stop feeling this way. I hear ed complain constantly about not having an art job and everything and it comes to the point that you're gonna have to wait and see what it comes down to. People are losing their jobs left and right and new jobs aren't easy to come by. It sucks that we are all stuck in this decline of economy. It sucks that life in general sucks.. Sucks that my life just can't seem to get out of the shitter. I've been trying real hard to pull myself out of this slump that i'm in lately. I put on a decent facade sometimes, but I can't hold on to it forever. I'm unhappy. I regret a lot. I don't want to be this lazy mother fucking jerkface that i've become but I can't pull myself together. I feel like a blob just laying naked and oozy on the ground of life and I can't reform myself to be a complete person anymore. I feel like everyone around me only cares about me if I still talk to them. And even then, I wonder if they truly really even care, or if they just pretend to because I'm still talking. What if I vanished. Would you miss me? would you care? Am i necessary? Do I matter? What difference do I make?

I'm tired of so much. So much has to be fixed. So much needs to be done. So much is too much. I don't want to worry about anything. I have a heart and that heart is falling to pieces. Crumbling under the constant pressure of everything in my life. I'm not one to melt down and completely crash, but I feel lately like I've become this piece of poop. I've been told that i've become mean to everyone. I'm sorry. I am. Really. I just don't know.

already slacking.

In this day and age its crazy to think about, well anything. Because no matter what you think about it isn't right. Not saying that you are never correct, just saying that what you think is always wrong. There are people everywhere in your life and mine that will disprove anything that you've thought up and anything you can think up. I don't know why that came to mind as I started typing but so it is.

Today is only the 3rd day back to classes and i'm already tired of school. Maybe that's saying a lot.. Maybe it's saying that I've been in school for far too long. That I'm ready to be done, and be completely finished with this higher education. I'm tired of working and going to school at the same time and just need it to be over sometime soon.

I miss the old days when we didn't have much homework and just went and did whatever we wanted whenever we could get away. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss Ed and Val. I miss going to Val's and just watching whatever movie peaked our interest and just bum out on the couch for hours at a time.. going to hang out with ed and playing video games till i was ready to pass out on his bed, or going to long john silvers and laughing hysterically at nothing at all. God, the movies, the games, the trips to everywhere we could get to, action figure wars, riding bikes, walking to nowhere and me taking him on shortcuts.. LMAO right.. "short"cuts that weren't short at all. The good old days.

oh well. guess i should get up and stretch my legs.. head down to the floor below me.. since i'm at school and go to that lab for the next class.. here until 935 tonight :( and i'm quite hungry right now. *sigh*

until next time...

*motions with hand* Sit

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my first Blogger blog.. will i stay.. idk. but it's something new. for me atleast