What if I vanished?

I'm tired of living my life for everyone else. I think there is a time soon that I'm going to break out of my life and start a new one. Tired of always doing things because people think they are the right thing to do or because that's how they would do it. I'm tired of being told to be careful with school and that I have to do well and that I only have a year left. I'm tired of it. So tired of school. So tired of pretty much everyone. Just want to quit everything and vanish. Would you really miss me? Would anyone? If I just disappeared to never be found again? Don't be too quick to answer. It doesn't matter anyway. No one cares. Why should they. Why should it matter that I'm living a life of lies of false statements and false hope. Who cares that I go to school just because its the right thing to do to supposedly get a good job. Yeah. "Good" I could get a "Good" job without school. Listening to half the people in my last class, no one thinks they are going to get a job when they get out. I need to stop feeling this way. I hear ed complain constantly about not having an art job and everything and it comes to the point that you're gonna have to wait and see what it comes down to. People are losing their jobs left and right and new jobs aren't easy to come by. It sucks that we are all stuck in this decline of economy. It sucks that life in general sucks.. Sucks that my life just can't seem to get out of the shitter. I've been trying real hard to pull myself out of this slump that i'm in lately. I put on a decent facade sometimes, but I can't hold on to it forever. I'm unhappy. I regret a lot. I don't want to be this lazy mother fucking jerkface that i've become but I can't pull myself together. I feel like a blob just laying naked and oozy on the ground of life and I can't reform myself to be a complete person anymore. I feel like everyone around me only cares about me if I still talk to them. And even then, I wonder if they truly really even care, or if they just pretend to because I'm still talking. What if I vanished. Would you miss me? would you care? Am i necessary? Do I matter? What difference do I make?

I'm tired of so much. So much has to be fixed. So much needs to be done. So much is too much. I don't want to worry about anything. I have a heart and that heart is falling to pieces. Crumbling under the constant pressure of everything in my life. I'm not one to melt down and completely crash, but I feel lately like I've become this piece of poop. I've been told that i've become mean to everyone. I'm sorry. I am. Really. I just don't know.

already slacking.

In this day and age its crazy to think about, well anything. Because no matter what you think about it isn't right. Not saying that you are never correct, just saying that what you think is always wrong. There are people everywhere in your life and mine that will disprove anything that you've thought up and anything you can think up. I don't know why that came to mind as I started typing but so it is.

Today is only the 3rd day back to classes and i'm already tired of school. Maybe that's saying a lot.. Maybe it's saying that I've been in school for far too long. That I'm ready to be done, and be completely finished with this higher education. I'm tired of working and going to school at the same time and just need it to be over sometime soon.

I miss the old days when we didn't have much homework and just went and did whatever we wanted whenever we could get away. I miss hanging out with my friends. I miss Ed and Val. I miss going to Val's and just watching whatever movie peaked our interest and just bum out on the couch for hours at a time.. going to hang out with ed and playing video games till i was ready to pass out on his bed, or going to long john silvers and laughing hysterically at nothing at all. God, the movies, the games, the trips to everywhere we could get to, action figure wars, riding bikes, walking to nowhere and me taking him on shortcuts.. LMAO right.. "short"cuts that weren't short at all. The good old days.

oh well. guess i should get up and stretch my legs.. head down to the floor below me.. since i'm at school and go to that lab for the next class.. here until 935 tonight :( and i'm quite hungry right now. *sigh*

until next time...

*motions with hand* Sit